How daily self enquiry can transforms my health

Last week I had one of the most amazing yoga practices, despite a broken and dislocated toe! At the time I was on day 3 of a juice fast. I had more energy than ever and felt light and full of enthusiasm. My body felt flexible and my mind strong and focused. I honestly could have practised for hours more if I didn’t have to go to work. When I got to work I was so vibed, I felt incredible, full of energy and super productive.

This week however, everything changed completely. I woke up this morning feeling like I had either been run over by a bus or had the worst hangover ever!! I dragged myself out of my bed, had a shower and revived myself ready for yoga practice. I thought I just need to bend and breathe a bit and that will sort me out and knock out the virus.

On the mat, my concentration kept diverting to thoughts of a dear family member that is terminally ill. Physically, I felt like I was practising with a different person’s body. Every joint felt inflamed, every muscle felt like plastic with no malleability whatsoever, my bones seemed to hurt and my overall energy was zero.  I wearily worked my way through the standing series of Ashtanga, before opting for some restorative poses and relaxation.

It got me thinking; Yoga is so incredibly humbling. It bridges the gap of self enquiry and helps us to understand on a very deep level how our health is, mentally and physically, whenever we come to the mat. Reflecting on my Buddhist studies, I realise that we should never come to our mats (or any situation for that matter) with expectations of being able to do this or that. Non-attachment to the outcome is essential for us to relax and be with our experience, which is always changing moment to moment; sometimes we can climb mountains, sometimes only mole hills. The ability to respect and honour our capabilities at any given the time is integral to our growth and understanding of self.

Having a regular practice, I notice the subtle differences of my physical, emotional and mental health on a daily basis. On days where there is a lot of mental resistance, I know this is when I am suppressing emotions or avoiding facing up to something that will rear its ugly head should I cut off distraction and be with my breath. Unhealthy diet choices or flights cause chaos for my digestion and inflammation in my body. Sugar and caffeine causes my mind to become irritated, agitated and heart rate to speed up which makes for a challenging yoga or meditation practice. Stress holds tension in every part of my body like cement. But when my diet is right and my world is calm, I am able to practice or sit with ease and my body is as flexible as Plasticine.

I guess that is why a daily practice is not just a daily workout on the mat, it’s a time to tune in and listen to what my body and mind is telling me. By honouring my state of health in that moment I can adjust my lifestyle choices for that day and pick the right tools to nourish me. That is why a daily practice of some kind is so important, to cultivate that connection and kindness to self so that we can be proactive and take responsibility for our own health and happiness. Taking just 5-10 minutes out of your day for your own well being, could have a more profound effect than you think. So think of this time as a little science experiment. Make it fun, but most importantly make it happen, and see how your attitude to your health transforms. 

Learning to let go and live in the flow

As we move into the vibration of the new year, our minds naturally look back and reflect on the past past 12 months and what it has brought us. For me, this practice is integral in moving forward in my life. Of course, we tend to ponder on what went wrong, our failures or faux pas, or maybe even who wronged us. But what we don't spend enough time doing is focusing on our achievements, be them big or small, obvious or hidden. Its these nuggets of gold that are propelling us forward into new light and if we miss these beautiful moments by overshadowing them in the doubt and fear of the negative stuff, we really have missed the point.

I will be honest, the past year has been fun, fraught, transitional, at times seemingly stagnant, but ultimately humbling yet rewarding for me. I have come to learn lots about myself, and much of it not too positive. Yet without this recognition, I would be unable to make changes and move forward positively. This year has taught me that we shouldn't measure ourselves on our successes and failures, rather the ability to ride life's roller coaster with acceptance, resilience, patience and presence no matter what challenge or celebration is presented to us.

I always strive to be an achiever, moving swiftly from one thing to the next. Always thinking of the next goal, the next course or qualification, the next step in my career or personal life. I am one of those annoying people that love a good list to cross things off of, even to the point where I write things on just to cross off. Sad but true! But when you spend your life speeding along in this manner, you don't actually get the opportunity to bask in your achievements. To enjoy the glory of your goal, the satisfaction of accomplishment and humble gratitude that all your hard work paid off. Not stopping to enjoy the moment, means you're constantly on the move and burning yourself out into oblivion. And that's what happened to me at the end of 2015. I had created an immensely successful and fulfilling business, yet to get there I had worked tirelessly day and night on new ideas, marketing, planning, creating and of course literally living, breathing, eating and sleeping my business until all that was left was an empty shell of burnt out energy which resembled the former me.

Feeling unhappy with where I was living, I took a huge punt and literally sold everything I owned to move back home with my parents in Cornwall for some time out. I also lost the closest thing to me, my best friend and companion, Boris the dog. Heartbroken, I took a few months out to just relax and try and find me again. To remember what it was like to relax and actually HAVE FUN without feeling guilty. I spent a month surfing in Sri Lanka, but spent a large portion of that preparing and studying for the yoga course I was doing in India the month after. India was a beautiful month spent with inspiring people, yet instead of feeling inspired, motivated and refreshed, I was already looking forward to my next steps and piling on the pressure as to what my next move would be.
"I am 36, I can't go back and live with my parents for long, I have to have a successful business, buy my own place, prove to the world that I am worthy...."
After that, I went to Morocco to teach Yoga retreats on a short term contract. It was hard work, but very enjoyable and I loved meeting new people and sharing my passion. But again, I was planning, stressing, worrying that I should be at home creating my new life, all the while my ACTUAL life which was pretty awesome, was passing me by unnoticed.

For the rest of the year I have been working at a local hotel as a waitress. First part time while I got my business shit together, then eventually full time when I lost all patience, confidence and faith that I could ever be successful in my own business again. Since then I have been constantly beating myself up at not being the top of my game, not achieving and being so far back in my life in terms of material and social status that my confidence and self esteem has taken a huge beating. A beating from myself only of course, no one else really cares what you're up to in life, it's only our minds that create this delusional perception. And with all my training, experiential knowledge and spiritual wisdom, I am only human and sometimes that shit just gets me down and other times I can rise above it with full awareness, strength and determination to get back on top. After all, its our minds and our choices that create our lives, so we really do need to be fully aware and present of what we are creating instead of filling our lives with distraction so that we can live in ignorance and blame the crappy stuff on external influence. Although I hate to admit it, I think I have been hanging in that energy for a while... On the flip side, I have enjoyed being able to go to other peoples yoga classes instead of always teaching, a steady income, more playtime and a break from my laptop :)

But now, the new year has arrived and I still have no fixed plan, no idea what is around the corner or where I am striving to be. But instead, I have a new vision. Not of the place I want to be in life, but of the person I aspire to be. And instead of all this rushing, overwhelm, perceived under achieving, procrastination and anxiety, I choose to create something else. I choose to live in the flow, to have faith that whatever comes is right for me as my life is right now. After all, when you let go of all that pressure and expectation, you create space for opportunity and divine guidance. So I am going to stop worrying and planing the future, and instead enjoy everything I have right here and now. I realise that all that time spent worrying about what I haven't got or haven't achieved, I am totally living in lack and that only attracts more of the same. To live an abundant life, you must truly appreciate and be grateful for all that you have right now. I have intellectually learnt that many times and I practice gratitude everyday, however, now I realise I don't just have to practice gratitude, I need to feel and believe it to truly be present and enjoy the abundance of life. And I really do have an amazing life, so this year my resolution is just to enjoy it fully with faith and presence, have fun and give myself a bloody break! :)

Vipasana meditation

Silence engulfs my reality like a dense fog

The path not yet evident, obstacles unknown

Apprehension bubbles up and collides with a perverse sense of curiosity

The glistening ocean of consciousness entices me into its vast depths

Thoughts spiral, words whirl, memories flicker

Illusion floods and fades, ebbs and flows, draws me in and spits me out

Energy coils like a spring; distraction, anxiety, pressure and then the smack of stillness that ensues

The veil is lifted. Clarity lays sparkling like a fresh new bud bursting into life

The dream starts again. 

No more fog, no more delusion, no more limitations...

just life in full bloom

Vipasana meditation

Silence engulfs my reality like a dense fog

The path not yet evident, obstacles unknown

Apprehension bubbles up and collides with a perverse sense of curiosity

The glistening ocean of consciousness entices me into its vast depths

Thoughts spiral, words whirl, memories flicker

Illusion floods and fades, ebbs and flows, draws me in and spits me out

Energy coils like a spring; distraction, anxiety, pressure and then the smack of stillness that ensues

The veil is lifted. Clarity lays sparkling like a fresh new bud bursting into life

The dream starts again. 

No more fog, no more delusion, no more limitations...

just life in full bloom

36 and still single... but actually very happy thanks!

I just filled out a legal form with the usual questions... title: Miss (yes, at 36 I have never been married), marital status: single (yep, still single), age range: 36-40 (well that's depressing)

I felt my heart sink and the usual feelings of inadequacy, a little bit of shame, fear and what the heck is wrong with me?? type of crap come up. I had to pull myself back into check. I used to get sad about this, I used to have (probably due to those pesky body clock hormones) an intense urge to need to reproduce, but that has all passed now. I am actually feeling super chilled about it all. When I was in my late twenties and early thirties, the dreaded Facebook was filled with announcements of engagements and pregnancies and then of course the wedding and new baby pics. Always being the single one at weddings and getting the 'single persons interrogation followed by pity and a promise of a set up with some wedding random against my will' treatment. Not to mention missing out on all the 'couples' dinner parties and 'family' days out. All these things used to make me feel super anxious, inadequate, under pressure to do the same and generally crappy about myself. In fact, I actually decided to take myself off of Facebook for sometime and it was the best thing I ever could have done!

But it got me thinking, we are so socially conditioned to repeat certain patterns, to live in a certain way, to do certain things at certain times in life. It's a pretty easy job to follow the herd and conform like a good little sheep, but it takes courage to step off the beaten track and make your own way with your own rules despite what anyone else thinks about it. Instead of sitting around moping about what I didn't do or get, I realised that being in charge of my own life, I had the opportunity to create whatever I wanted. And actually, I have a pretty cushdy life as it goes.

Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I haven't had relationships, I have had a string of short lived unsuccessful romances. And as I have matured and evolved spiritually it has given me the insight to see the error in my ways. Apart from two significant long term relationships in the beginning of my 'dating career', I have dated mostly guys that I know can't commit. Whether they are commitment phobes, fresh out of a relationship, way too young or just an absolute player, I have dated them and wondered why it all went horribly wrong. I have also been blessed with meeting some lovely guys too, that probably wanted to marry me and have my children, but I have run a mile!

Remembering the 'law of attraction' - we get back what we send out, I realised it was actually all me and the energy that I was giving out was stopping my relationship success. Although on the outside I I wanted a relationship to 'conform' and make me happy, all along, I just wanted to be free. And of course, feel loved (who doesn't). But the love I was seeking, was love and acceptance from myself, and I was looking in all the wrong places. See, when you can't nourish yourself with the love and acceptance you desire, then how can anyone else respect you and see that light in you?? When you think you are 'not good enough to be loved', that's the message you are sending out there.

For most of us, finding compassion and cultivating self love is one of the hardest things to do, but if you really look deep within you, the seeds are there, they just need watering and nurturing. Its a practice that you need to cultivate and diligently practice for the rest of your life, but interestingly the Buddha taught us in the first sutta (thread) 'Love thyself' because you can't give out from an empty heart. Over the years, it has been a transformation for me, but with this new self respect and awareness, I am able to be a bit more discerning as to who I choose to date, with healthier boundaries and less pressure on it having to 'be' anything other than just enjoying getting to know someone.

And whilst all my friends have settled down, got mortgages, marriages and 2.4 children, I have been travelling the world, following my hearts desires, committing myself to my career aspirations, self development and spiritual path, living free and loving life. That is not to say that I think my friends got the raw deal, not at all, I would still be open to experiencing all that too one day, but I am not going to be too upset if it doesn't. The point is, make the most of your life, whatever stage you are at, we are truly blessed to have so many choices and opportunities laid at our feet for the taking, so don't ever get sad about what you haven't got, get excited about what you have got, which is anything you set your heart on!!! Don't follow the herd, follow your heart and be happy.

The ocean is my Guru

Exert from my journal back in January...

Here I sit on a beautiful beach in Sri Lanka. It has a fabulous beach break with barely any surfers, which is heaven. I am drinking in the of every aspect of this place - the colour of the ocean, the strength of the waves, the glitter of wet sand in the sunlight and the vibrant contrast of the green palm trees against the deep blue of the sky. Everything so tranquil, still, soothing yet vibrant. 

As my love affair with the ocean intensifies, I am humbled as a student to this great master and what it has to teach me. I feel the ocean is a metaphor for life, the way we interact with the sea is a reflection of how we deal with every day situations. I watch as some people paddle at the shore, unwilling to venture into the smashing waves for fear of moving out of their comfort zone. Other more daring candidates delve in deeper embracing the roar of the waves. And this is the key - you must embrace that fear, embrace the rush and let it push you on to explore the edges of your boundaries. If you do this with tension or frustration, you will always be met with the same back, so it's important to move with a sense of excitement and ease. Transform your fear into the curiosity of a child discovering something new, unaware of the possible consequences. 

This is the lesson I learnt today out in the water. After a good 90 minutes of paddling for numerous waves, I was getting frustrated and impatient. With high expectation of what I wanted to achieve, I forgot the reason I was actually there - for fun! As I battled on, tense and aggravated, I managed to get on a big wave, but due to my frustration I lost my nerve at the crucial drop in moment and got completely wiped out. Held under and disorientated, I panicked and scrabbled about only to be tumbled through another wave and another before I could catch a breath. Coming up for air, pride dented and frankly feeling pissed off with myself, I crawled into the shore like a wet cat. It was only on reflection I realised that I should have been super stoked that I was out in the big swell anyway and ballsy enough to try and catch a wave. It was much bigger than the other days I had been out catching waves. And when I had been wiped out before, I could happily hold my breath and relax underwater so I would pop up naturally.

My surfing to date has cultivated a deep respect for the sea and an understanding that we must roll with the punches and enjoy the ebb and flow of life in all its glory - whether it's an up or a down, a rough paddle out or a sweet ass wave, a wipe out or smooth glassy waves on sunrise... whether you fight it or flow with it, it's still there so roll with it and it will roll with you.